|The Dream, The Ex and My Past Drama
||[May. 21st, 2004|01:38 pm]
Last night I had the strangest dream. |
I was back in Pittsburgh walking with Dad and a few other friends from Dallas. We were walking by the fountain at Point State Park when all of a sudden we heard a fight break out. We walked over to see what was going on and here it was my ex, Scott, and another guy. The guy was beating the shit out of Scott. Dad looked at me and asked me if I was going to go help Scott out. I looked at him and said "Hell, No!" Finally the fight broke up and everyone went on their way. We head over to Donnys Place to have a few beers and are sitting there chatting, when Scott walks in. He looked as if he wasnt in a fight at all. He comes over, shakes Dad's hand, and says, "So you must be Bill. I've heard so much about you!" They chat a bit and then he leaves. Dad looks at me and says "He wasnt anything like you said he was" I just sit there with my mouth dropping and smoke coming out of my ears. I respond, "He's doing it again".... and thats when my alarm went off and woke me up. and now for some reason, I cant get him out of my head.
Scott and I met at an adult bookstore just outside Pittsburgh in the summer of 1994. We played around a bit there, but went back to his parents place and messed around in the basement. We seemed to have everything in common. I thought I was in love. In August of that year, I decided to move to Pittsburgh to find work and to go back to school. I was set on getting my own place, but Scott thought we should live together. I was hesitant at first, considering his mother had cancer and he was caring for her. He said that he needed to get out of the house and since his brother lived next door, that his brother's family would be able to care for her. August 15th, we moved into a small apartment in Swissvale. Two weeks later, his mom passed away. I did my best to console him and be there for him, but he did not want me at his mom's funeral, nor did he want me dropping by his parents house to see him.
Time passed and Scott decided that he no longer wanted to go to Nursing school but that he wanted to be a hair-dresser. I cringed at the time because being fairly new to the gay scene, I associated gay hair-dresser with screaming queen. But, I figured that if that is what he wanted to do, I would be supportive of it. Eventually, Scott quit his job as a security guard because he said that school was too strenuous for him. In order for us to pay bills and such, I ended up working 2 jobs plus 15 credit hours at Pitt.
Scott was very controlling over me. You might think I'd like that given my current relationship with Dad. but it wasnt anywhere near what I have now. Dad trusts me where Scott didnt. Example: this is when Scott was working as a security guard. My classes were over at 10pm, and usually I had the next morning off of work. He worked til 2am. I asked him if it was ok for me to stop by the Holiday for a beer after class. He said No. Each night that I had class, Scott would call at 10:30 to see if I was home yet. One time I stayed after class to ask the Professor a few questions, so I wasnt home at 10:30 when he called. He left work that night and came looking for me. When friends would want me to go out with them while he was at work, he would throw a fit saying that my friends only wanted to get me into bed.
Well, stupid me, put up with his shit for almost 4 years. Finally one night in September 1997, I looked at him and said.. "I'm done." He came back with all sorts of reasons why we should stay together, including "I let my mother die so I could live with you". Not that this was the first time I heard that, but this time it really pissed me off and told him that that was one reason why I was ending it. I was tired of being his doormat and the target of his self-imposed guilt of his mothers death. We decided to be roommates.
finally in April 1998, our lease was up and I was given an opportunity to move to Dallas. I jumped at it.
When I left for Dallas, Scott and I decided that we would put things behind us and we wished each other well. I thought all was well. We would still chat online, even called one another every now and then. Things were good until I decided to head home to visit my parents. Scott invited me to stay with him my last night in Pittsburgh, since my parents lived 2 hours from the airport. I took him up on it. We decided to head out to the Eagle that night for a few drinks. Since, I had been away for a while and that I was always with Scott when I went out before I move, the men at the Eagle treated me as if I was "new meat" in town. There was one individual that I was chatting with. I excused myself to head to the restroom. When I came back, the guy was gone. I finally ran into him later at the downstairs bar, where he appeared to be very standoffish with me. I chalked it up to typical Pittsburgh attitude and when Scott said he was ready to leave, I didnt argue. Halfway home, Scott began a drunken tirade screaming at me in the car about how much of a loser I was. I started to argue back, but when we came upon a stoplight along 51, I got out of the car. Scott slammed my door shut and drove off. I walked to a payphone, called his roommate who was an old friend of mine and asked him to come pick me up. I knew something was up when it took him 30 minutes to pick me up, and when I saw my stuff in the back seat I knew what it was. When Scott had arrived home, he grabbed my stuff and threw it out on the lawn. Saul had picked everything up. When I got into the car, Saul said that it wasnt a good idea that I stay at his house (Scott was just renting a room from him) He offered to put me up at a hotel near the airport so that I could catch a shuttle in the morning. Even though my flight wasnt until 5pm that night, I told him to just take me to the airport, even though it was only 3am. Saul and I chatted when we reached the airport. I found out that everytime I left to get a drink or go to the rest room, Scott would tell everyone he could a lie about me. Everything from being a heavy drug user to being HIV+. I was never so glad to arrive back in Dallas.
Around Thanksgiving, I found out I have 2 weeks off to use and I decided to drive home to PA. Friends I had made online said I could crash at their various places along the way. The day before I left for PA, I turned in my paperwork to join the Dallas Bears. When I arrived in PA, I decided to head by Saul's place to thank him again for letting me stay when I was there and for all that he did that night. I was not expecting to run into Scott that night, but he left work early and came home as Saul and I were having a few cocktails. He asked to speak to me alone and we went out to the deck area to chat. He apologized for that night and said that he had his hopes up that I would hate Dallas and that I would come back to him. When he found out that I actually liked it in Dallas, he couldnt handle it. I accepted his apology and we chatted some more. He asked me about Chris, the guy I was dating. Why I joined the Dallas Bears and said he was hurt by some of the things that I was saying about him in Dallas. For the record, I hadnt mentioned any of this to him. It turns out, that the person who I gave my stuff to for the Dallas Bears, while pretending to be a friend of mine, was also online friends with Scott and was filling him in on details about my life in Dallas. Needlesstosay, I was not happy. I took it all in and pleasantly said my goodbyes. When I got back to Dallas, I wrote out a long email to him and said that I thought it was best if we did not keep in touch any more. and I havent heard from or seen him since.
so why am I now dreaming about him? No clue. Maybe in some way, I dont think that that particular chapter of my life is fully resolved. Maybe by writing this all out, I can get him out of my head and get back to my normal life.
ok...back to my drama-free zone [grin]