It also made me think about what I actually write on here these days. Maybe this really isnt my way of getting people to know who I am, but rather, it is a way of discovering myself and learning more about who I am. I believe the phrase is.. you are your worst critic.
But back to the old journal. Back in those days I seemed so serious about everything. Sometimes I even came across as being bitter. and some of the entries just down-right scared the crap out of me today, making me wonder what was actually going thru my head in those days.
I was reminded of how much I dreaded my 30th birthday in 2000. Not that turning 30 was a big deal, but I was dreading it because of some thing that I was told when I was a Senior in High School. and looking back on it, I did some rather stupid things from the time I received that tidbit of information in 1989 until my 30th birthday in 2000. Needlesstosay, what I was told never came true. or if it did, I was so focused on me not being alive by the time I turned 30, that I never noticed what might have actually transpired.
I was reminded of Election 2000, when Shrub was appointed President, and how my Dad and I would argue constantly over the results.
I was reminded of September 11, 2001, when driving to work I heard on the radio that a second plane crashed into the WTC. Everyone here thought the first plane was just a freak accident. I was also reminded of co-workers running into my office telling me that a plane went down miles from my parents place in PA and me trying to get in touch with one of my family members to see if they were ok.
I was reminded of my trip to New Orleans a few weeks later. The fun I had being in NO for the first time by myself. Meeting Ron and Steve from Ft. Lauderdale and Keith from Minnesota. The 4 of us just hanging out together with Bourbon street looking like a ghost town, drinking beer and just having a grand old time.
I was reminded of my first HIV test that I finally got the nerve to take in November. I was reminded of the nervousness I felt and the panic attacks I had for days waiting for the results. I was reminded of the sense of relief I had when the results came back negative.
I was reminded of my trip to New Orleans over the Thanksgiving Weekend when I stayed with my friend Mark at his house. The memories of hanging out with Mark's friends and family on Thanksgiving.
and most importantly. I was reminded of December 1, 2001 when I first laid eyes on Dad at the Eagle here in Dallas. and earlier post reminded me that I wasnt really in the mood to go out that night, but since I had no life, I figured what the hell and headed to the Eagle. My post when I got home was this:
"I was standing at the bar waiting for JD to grab me another beer when I turned around and noticed Mike walking in. As he walked past, I nodded my head and watched as he headed over to the stage area. As I got my beer, I started heading over to Mike as he was lighting up his cigar, when this other guy walked up and handed Mike a drink. I couldnt keep my eyes off of him. Here was a guy that I could only dream of dating-a red headed, muscular leather bear. Mike introduced us and I learned that his name was Bill and that he was a house-guest of Mike's for the weekend. Mike introduced Bill to a few of his other friends and we all stood there talking. At one point, I dont know if it was me, or if it was Bill making the first move, but this cub got to kiss that bear. After that, the two of us were more focused on one another than anything around us. Finally it was time for Mike and Bill to leave. I gave Bill my contact information and he said he'd call me in the morning so we could get together before he left Monday morning. I am so excited right now"
Of course, the next day came and I didnt get a call. But surprisingly I wasnt pissed off, I was only disappointed. I just chalked it up to typical bar happenings and it just reminded me why I should have stayed in that night. Late that night, I signed online to check email. Suddenly an IM pops up from a name I didnt recognize that says "I'm sorry about today. Mike had some things planned for me that I wasnt aware of". My response was basically.."ok. it was good to meet you. have a safe trip home". The IM that I got back said "I really wanted to spend time with you. I had a great time at the bar talking to you and would love to get to know you more. I felt a connection and was hoping you felt it too". Well, of course I did. The next night after work, I got a phone call from Cleveland. 3 hours later, I hung up the phone knowing that this is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Damn.. I should go back and read my own journal entries more often.